freewriting while surfing facebook

fuck i am tired bed go to sleep fuck ugh no
chat me already god dammit you know who you are you need to just chat me and stop this bullshit i want to talk to you and blah and im such a stupid bitch stop opening yourself up you i di ottttttt overanalyzing he he anal yzing heh who is this bitch you are like 12 but why cant i look like you tho u r pretti shallowwwwww i dont care i want to cuddle with someone who cares
ease up on the mascara slut
i wish i could be white so then i could dye my hair crazy colours repeting and stuff but whats with that
god i wish this year would be different i hope that my life will change for the better i hate the sinking pit i am stuck in right now and i cant climb out and its slowly but surely disappearing into the ground
spelling suxxxxxx f m lllllllllff f f  f f   f  f f f f f  f      f  f f    i like typing random letter s and waching them form and i like typing words over and over and oer and over and over and over and over and over and over until my hands make a familiar pattern and the words seem to blend into each othe r and the computer screen is too bright and it all means jack shit
jackkkk shittttttt
i keep glancing at my top bar why cant it say (1) facebook so i know youve messagd me and you need to and im such an obsessive bitch i need to stop i need to get hobbies i need to stop obsessing over you and i didnt but then that and now i do and why do we keep making awks eye conty lol awky eye conty yeah g
where is my huge as thigh gap plz and ty
the thing is i have so much more valuable stuff to care baout but i dont
hey cute guy who walked me to school this morning is online should i chat him he was so nice and he was always so nice last year maybe i should talk to him hes relaly tall now.
i think hes with his girl friend now but who the fuck cares im not after a bf i just need someone to talk to so i dont go crzy in this head i sould crzy but i swear im not
vagina.
im so shallow and i obsess over the stupidest shit why cant i make myself care eabout world news and shit i dont know why not i should it would be good of me to and do nice things for nice people in bad situations that would be nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice i want to doodle all over my screen.
maybe is hould just chat him he seems so nice and stuff and stuff and my mind is blank blank blank today in english we learnt about blank verse and i got the definition wrong and i sat next to a girl with the longest eyelashes i have ever seen in my entire life
i cant find a good simile simile simile for that
oh look i just went on his page he broke up with his girl friend huh isnt that funny they didnt see each other
stop getting hopes up stop stop stop hopes hopes stop hopes.
i want to crick my neck and do it and do it too much and die well no that would be pain ful and i would be dead.
how do i even start convos with people
heya
hows life treating ya
how was school. lol.
i heard you take accounting now are you in my friends class
youre hot kiss me
youre nice
what are you up to
got homework?
i am so awkward awkward awkward
who do you have for eco
do you usually get dropped off there
where do you live
no no no you suck
plz dont log off i need to think of a way to not sound like a freak
what did you do over break
yeah cool i had tennis trials today really tired in bed watching youtube videos haha lol haha ok
why am i so nervous its not like its a marriage proposal
deep breaths. god its like ive never talked to males before
im sew sillay
im talking tohim
its ok
im being casual and shit idkkkkk
yay sportsss i like sports ok lets talk about sports
i got him laughing, yeaahhhhhhhhh witty bitch coming through
ok thatscool bye laters ttyl haha k

omg im so worried you have no idea

I'm worried that I have an anxiety disorder.

HAH. But seriously, my heart is racing constantly and I'm always short of breath. I can't stop NEEDING TO PEEEEEEE and if someone so much as gives me a look I worry about it all day. I'm ALWAYS SWEATING and I dread everything, I'm tense and jumpy, I hate talking to most people, I'm restless, I never feel safe, etc etc etc.

Mother fucking textbook symptoms.

But I'm trying not to think about it since it will add to the cycle and then I will have a heart attack and die.

Here's a list of THINGS I'M WORRYING ABOUT CURRENTLY. Please note that right now I'm on an American college tour in a small group of six without my parents/anyone close to me and I hate everyone.

Anyways, proceed:

• Being mugged and the shit beat out of me
• Being raped
• Being abducted
• Losing expensive shit (e.g. my camera, laptop)
• Plane crashing and dying (4 flights)
• Not being able to sleep at night
• My eyes (apparently I have a pterygium or how ever you spell that. And I'm worried it's spreading to my other eye. And I'm worried my medication is going to run out and it's going to get SO MUCH WORSE. And I'm worried that it's permanent (it is, unless you get surgery and I'm worrying about that too)
• Failing exams because of this trip.
• Not getting into my AS classes since I failed my exams.
• Not getting into a good college and FAILING AT LIFE AND DYING.
• Getting into a good college and racking up shitloads of debt (you can never win!).
• People talking to me about deep shit.
• My dad talking to me about fucking marrying someone behind my back.
• My mum talking to me about how much my dad sucks and being crazy.
• Doing something wrong and my dad yelling at me for ages.
• Going back to NZ and sucking at tennis and not getting into prems which means I'll DIE. Not being able to improve/re-learn what I've forgotten over these 2 weeks. My team-mates getting into prems and me not. My ranking dropping and not being able to get into prems. My ranking dropping and not being able to play tournaments. My dad lecturing me. Trying to practise and having to talk to That Guy who makes me have mild panic attacks.
• Not doing enough co-curriculars.
• Doing too many co-curriculars.
• Doing the wrong co-curriculars.
• Taking the wrong subjects.
• Being wrong.
• Being right.
• Not treating people well enough.
• Having a heart attack and dying.
• What if he's a serial killer.
• Being a shit person.
• Disappointing people I care about.
• Stressing too much.

whooo...

So today even the NZ Herald horoscopes section told me I needed to improve my appearance.

Ouch.

yesterday was my birthday

I'm crying so hard right now. I hadn't checked my email in a couple of days and when I remembered to log on today, amidst all the sales spam from Wild Pair and ASOS there was a letter from FutureMe.Org.

It's where you write a letter and pick a date in the future for them to send to yourself.

Like a time capsule.

God, I don't even know what to say right now.
I feel like, just one year ago, writing the letter on the eve of my birthday that I was so naive but in a lot of ways I'm still the same person. Past me voiced so many concerns that I have now that probably are so fucking... stupid and trivial. But still, I cared and I care and I hoped and I hope. All these things that have been weighing on my mind lately, how did you know? You had no idea that my family was about to disintegrate further from the pitiful shambles it'd been, and all the other things that have filled up my 14th year on this planet but still. It's funny how I'm so shocked at how insightful I was about myself. Or maybe I really haven't changed at all from the past 366 days. All the worries, the dreams, the questions that I had for myself --I don't think I've answered or solved or achieved any of them. Perhaps this has been a waste.

I even had a crappy webcam photo of myself attached and god I look much more innocent than I do now. Prettier, actually. Yeah, I've gotten ugraaaay. I stared at every detail of the photo until my eyes blurred. Further.


I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now.


I guess I'll talk about my birthday.

It was alright. I got a cake from my lovely friend M- because she's lovely duh. I got a couple of small presents. I got some awkward passing "uhhh, happy birthday dude I guess" and some awkward birthday singing.

Then I road tripped with my as-usual tardy mother who came to get me at 5:30 which meant I sat in the same fucking car on my ass until nearly midnight to Ohakune, trying to get reception on my phone. Eventually the texts died off and I tried to nod off unsuccessfully as the car jerked and tried not to crash with the crazy freaking driving it was attempting to withstand.

Then we got to our holiday home lodge thing and it was gorgeous and I claimed the double bedroom because fuck you and answered my birthday wall posts on Facebook because it gives me a shitty little confidence boost to know 100 something people acknowledged it even if they only saw it on their side bar but whatever.

Then I crashed.

Today I woke up thoroughly grumpy with a lazy eye because of not enough sleep and a stupid freaking nightmare where I had Stockholm Syndrome and it was an extremely emotional event but whatever nobody cares.

Then we went to Turoa ski field, with the biggest ass chairlift in Australasia and we didn't get started until noon because I was stuck with Mum and her FOB friends and god I hate people like that sometimes because they are so STUPID WITH NO COMMON SENSE AT ALL. That is what the outdated educational system in China produces. I'm sorry I am judgemental but really.

Then I skiied and yeah. I went up the chairlift with some family friend's friend's wife or something and she got me to take a picture of her on her Canon Ancient3000 and then ditched me on the ride back down the mountain so I had to take a chair by myself which was scary because HOLY IT WAS HIGH. I don't even have a bad case of acrophobia but I squeezed my eyes shut and hoped the people coming up the mountain couldn't see me being a giant wimp but I was at least 20 ft off the ground with a flimsy metal bar across my lap and I swear I could practically see the whole of New Zealand on the horizon and could spot my house if I wanted to.

So I took pictures and stuff.

And then I went back to the ski lodge and received a late birthday card from these people that I don't really know at all and was thoroughly antisocial and now I should sleep.

Goodbye.

what if the past weren't so great.

what if all this predominantly feigned nostalgia, 90s/80s reminiscence plastered all over tumblr and whatever. Instagram, etc. What if in this long-gone paradise, people were just as unsatisfied with their lives and society as they supposedly do now? What if people commonly thought "dangit the 70s were sooo much better #nostalgia #johntravoltaftw" while listening to Nirvana and Pearl Jam while conversing over bricks while Buffy the Vampire Slayer plays in the background on their 20 inch tv?
what if, twenty years from now, people will whine that they wished these youngsters would appreciate Nicki Minaj and all the other classics from the 2010s in between dropping their kids off in the hydroplane car and consulting their paper-thin iPhone 26's.

or are we the only ungrateful ones

stop

I don't want to know. Stop telling me. Our roles have been reversed and you're the infant clinging onto me, needing me when all I need is to be away from the world, lose myself in the internet, distance myself because these riddles scrape my heart raw and prod at scabbing wounds and

dont

make

me

think

Ignorance is bliss and I wish you would grant me just that little bit of doubt because you know what I don't need you to push all your burdens onto me, what is that supposed to do i dont know i cant solve anything, so why do you insist, why must you bleach every bit of my childhood innocence to lumpy acidic bitterness while you cry on the telephone and tell me you miss me and corrode any sense of nostalgia because they were lies. They were lies and now that I know better nothing has ever been better but I can't push you away because you have suffered and I know this and I know we all have, and the guilt of what I should have done and what I didn't do and my incompetence keeps me tethered to the landline. But I am browsing through daydreams, fantasies, other peoples' lives with the other hand tapping the warm metal and I haven't even comprehended half of your teary words because this world, however artificial is better than reality.

I want to spend time with you and while away the hours eating junk food and playing chess with her but it's just so difficult, my energy is spent on tiptoeing gently across your shaky sentences with my head bowed at the dinner table and just --interacting with someone that you really don't know. You really don't and by the end you just want to go home and curl up and take a nap and cry your eyes out because you don't know how to deal with this and you want to blame her, say she's selfish and you have your own problems in this wreck of a home but this is your problem, everything is your problem now, because guess what you're old enough to make your own decisions but please please please come live with me you're not needed there, theres going to be a new family, he's going to start a new family and you might as well pack your suitcase and quietly disappear.

I hate you yet I love you and every time I think about this I can't stop the flood of tears, and it's 10pm and I will be up for another 3 hours doing nothing and feeling nothing until nothing bores me

Ciao

today I nearly set fire to my classmate's ass