stop

I don't want to know. Stop telling me. Our roles have been reversed and you're the infant clinging onto me, needing me when all I need is to be away from the world, lose myself in the internet, distance myself because these riddles scrape my heart raw and prod at scabbing wounds and

dont

make

me

think

Ignorance is bliss and I wish you would grant me just that little bit of doubt because you know what I don't need you to push all your burdens onto me, what is that supposed to do i dont know i cant solve anything, so why do you insist, why must you bleach every bit of my childhood innocence to lumpy acidic bitterness while you cry on the telephone and tell me you miss me and corrode any sense of nostalgia because they were lies. They were lies and now that I know better nothing has ever been better but I can't push you away because you have suffered and I know this and I know we all have, and the guilt of what I should have done and what I didn't do and my incompetence keeps me tethered to the landline. But I am browsing through daydreams, fantasies, other peoples' lives with the other hand tapping the warm metal and I haven't even comprehended half of your teary words because this world, however artificial is better than reality.

I want to spend time with you and while away the hours eating junk food and playing chess with her but it's just so difficult, my energy is spent on tiptoeing gently across your shaky sentences with my head bowed at the dinner table and just --interacting with someone that you really don't know. You really don't and by the end you just want to go home and curl up and take a nap and cry your eyes out because you don't know how to deal with this and you want to blame her, say she's selfish and you have your own problems in this wreck of a home but this is your problem, everything is your problem now, because guess what you're old enough to make your own decisions but please please please come live with me you're not needed there, theres going to be a new family, he's going to start a new family and you might as well pack your suitcase and quietly disappear.

I hate you yet I love you and every time I think about this I can't stop the flood of tears, and it's 10pm and I will be up for another 3 hours doing nothing and feeling nothing until nothing bores me

Ciao