yesterday was my birthday

I'm crying so hard right now. I hadn't checked my email in a couple of days and when I remembered to log on today, amidst all the sales spam from Wild Pair and ASOS there was a letter from FutureMe.Org.

It's where you write a letter and pick a date in the future for them to send to yourself.

Like a time capsule.

God, I don't even know what to say right now.
I feel like, just one year ago, writing the letter on the eve of my birthday that I was so naive but in a lot of ways I'm still the same person. Past me voiced so many concerns that I have now that probably are so fucking... stupid and trivial. But still, I cared and I care and I hoped and I hope. All these things that have been weighing on my mind lately, how did you know? You had no idea that my family was about to disintegrate further from the pitiful shambles it'd been, and all the other things that have filled up my 14th year on this planet but still. It's funny how I'm so shocked at how insightful I was about myself. Or maybe I really haven't changed at all from the past 366 days. All the worries, the dreams, the questions that I had for myself --I don't think I've answered or solved or achieved any of them. Perhaps this has been a waste.

I even had a crappy webcam photo of myself attached and god I look much more innocent than I do now. Prettier, actually. Yeah, I've gotten ugraaaay. I stared at every detail of the photo until my eyes blurred. Further.


I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now.


I guess I'll talk about my birthday.

It was alright. I got a cake from my lovely friend M- because she's lovely duh. I got a couple of small presents. I got some awkward passing "uhhh, happy birthday dude I guess" and some awkward birthday singing.

Then I road tripped with my as-usual tardy mother who came to get me at 5:30 which meant I sat in the same fucking car on my ass until nearly midnight to Ohakune, trying to get reception on my phone. Eventually the texts died off and I tried to nod off unsuccessfully as the car jerked and tried not to crash with the crazy freaking driving it was attempting to withstand.

Then we got to our holiday home lodge thing and it was gorgeous and I claimed the double bedroom because fuck you and answered my birthday wall posts on Facebook because it gives me a shitty little confidence boost to know 100 something people acknowledged it even if they only saw it on their side bar but whatever.

Then I crashed.

Today I woke up thoroughly grumpy with a lazy eye because of not enough sleep and a stupid freaking nightmare where I had Stockholm Syndrome and it was an extremely emotional event but whatever nobody cares.

Then we went to Turoa ski field, with the biggest ass chairlift in Australasia and we didn't get started until noon because I was stuck with Mum and her FOB friends and god I hate people like that sometimes because they are so STUPID WITH NO COMMON SENSE AT ALL. That is what the outdated educational system in China produces. I'm sorry I am judgemental but really.

Then I skiied and yeah. I went up the chairlift with some family friend's friend's wife or something and she got me to take a picture of her on her Canon Ancient3000 and then ditched me on the ride back down the mountain so I had to take a chair by myself which was scary because HOLY IT WAS HIGH. I don't even have a bad case of acrophobia but I squeezed my eyes shut and hoped the people coming up the mountain couldn't see me being a giant wimp but I was at least 20 ft off the ground with a flimsy metal bar across my lap and I swear I could practically see the whole of New Zealand on the horizon and could spot my house if I wanted to.

So I took pictures and stuff.

And then I went back to the ski lodge and received a late birthday card from these people that I don't really know at all and was thoroughly antisocial and now I should sleep.

Goodbye.