I had my midyear exams. They went well, I got surprisingly good results (100% economics midyear? hell yes). There have also been a couple of assignments due in, mostly on Friday and I really should be working on them but it's not like I'm good with time management so I'm probably going to bed 3am on thursday night.
Also I got asked out by a boy a couple of days ago. I said no. It's been really awkward talking to him --we used to talk so much but I kind of got bored, as harsh as that sounds. I get bored of everyone eventually. Up to now that's been the case. It's the way I am, I guess. I felt super mean though because I could've been leading him on. Oh well. There's that.
Me rejecting him could have something to do with someone who I am quite liking right now... wink.
(Yes I know, petty teenage boy problems and lust-induced rants. I know.) It sucks because I only usually talk to him on facebook chat, and I don't want to be pushy like "give me your number or I'll look it up on white pages and text you obsessively while sitting outside your house" (haha... just kidding...) And I really don't know if the feelings are mutual, I mean sure we can have absent-minded 3 hour long chats but does anyone really like me in that way? Except for that one boy back there.
My self-perception seems to bounce back and forth in the blink of an eye and I have no idea how other people see me anymore. I feel incredibly unattractive most of the time --and my lack of sleep probably doesn't contribute to that (hello dark circles and greenish skin tone, plus general teenage hormones and zero makeup because lazyarse!). I'm also developing a decent muffin top from too much computertime and eating chocolate because its winter and I don't have tennis training the majority of the time --also I am a fat lazy bum (I have accepted this fact). And I often say things that I cringe at mentally 2 seconds later --way too often to be good for me. I am an idiot when it comes to social cues, it's terrible.
But at the same time, my self-esteem is constantly raised and I really really hope that I'm not becoming conceited. I'm good at school. I know this and I'm not going to say that "omg I'm so terrible I get horrible grades (even though I am a straight-A student but thats irrelevant because I'm currently fishing for compliments!)". I seem to absorb information pretty well and it reflected in my exam scores this year. So there's that. Also, my friend W-, whom we all constantly tease about having terrible taste in hot boys and pretty girls, consistently tells me I'm pretty/hot/etc. (She's not les. Just a really nice person:D) I don't know if her perception is accurate (she doesn't think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is smoking?!) but it sure is an ego boost!
I dunno.
Too much looking at my own face, my own personality, my own skills has warped my perception. I know, everyone's beautiful and unique, blah blah blah but society really shouldn't expect me to accept that when at the same time they are bombarding me with Abercrombie & Fitch advertisements and "miracle" makeup, to undoubtedly cover up all my hideousness.
I have no idea what this post was about, sorry.
I wanted to talk about
something
so I did
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